Hello Ladies,
When I discussed my weight loss journey yesterday, I focused on the dietary and lifestyle changes I implemented, so to conclude this blog series, I want discuss how I improved my self-esteem and body confidence along the way. One of the ways I stopped bruising my already battered ego was by refusing to wear any more ugly sweats or baggy tee shirts. I know, I know! How many times have we made the excuse “I’m not going to buy any new clothes until I lose weight?” Regardless of whether the blame rests with old-fashioned frugality or the failure to accept our current bodies, most of us have purposefully worn clothing that wasn’t flattering, didn’t fit, or was showing signs of wear because we didn’t want to shell out the cash for something new in a size we hoped would only be temporary. However, what we don’t realize when we relegate ourselves to these old, unflattering clothes is that we are damaging our already fragile self-esteem. It’s not enough to be unhappy with our bodies, but now we’re going to wear awful clothes too?
Taking this sentiment to heart, I purchased a small wardrobe of pieces that fit and flattered my figure, and with every size I lost, I did my best to buy a few new clothes even if they were only thrift store finds. Around this time, I also went for my first proper bra fitting, which made my torso look about 15 pounds slimmer and transformed how I viewed my boobs and body.
Cutting my hair into a soft, manageable bob eliminated the temptation to rely on a ponytail as the only hairstyle in my arsenal, and buying practically paint-by-numbers eyeshadow kits helped me experiment with new looks. These small, cosmetic changes to my appearance gave me one less reason to dread the mirror and one more reason to start loving the body I had.
As I was losing weight though, my fear (as well as that of my family) became that no size would ever be good enough, and I would still be unhappy with how I look.
Between the plethora of photoshopped and airbrushed images saturating the media and the increased pressure to be young and thin with a perfect body and skin, it’s easy to become trapped in a cycle of comparing your body to those of other women—always feeling as though you are inferior. As a result, I knew that as I was reshaping my body, I also had to reshape my outlook on what it means to be beautiful and sexy if I was every going to be happy.
Obsessing over celebrity photos was the first bad habit to go, and like my diet/exercise substitutions, I added the good habit of focusing on something I loved about my appearance whenever I felt glum about something I didn’t. I also came to grips with the fact that there is no such thing as a perfect body or perfect skin. We all have lumps, bumps, scars, and other imperfections, and while it sounds cliche, those are the things that give us character.
I won’t lie though. As I dropped the weight, I did feel better and better about myself, but a large part of that was because I learned to appreciate my positive attributes and assign less significance to the negative ones. When I lost beyond my goal weight to the size I currently am, I found a new appreciation for my body. I’ve been angular and thin, and I’ve been round and curvy. I’ve been called anorexic, flat-chested, and skinny, and I’ve been called fat, chubby, and ugly. It took me countless pounds lost and gained to realize that no matter what size you wear or how much you weigh or what body type you have, there is going to be some shallow, mean-spirited person who judges you for it and comments. At the end of the day, you have to be happy with who you are and what you look like for your own reasons. If you’re not, then you’re going to fall prey to “never good enoughs,” and you never will be.
Of course, I say this now, but it wasn’t an easy process. When I could look at my body and feel great, I thought I had vanquished my body image demons, but then my dad wanted to post an older picture of me on Facebook from when I was heavier. Suddenly, all those old feelings crashed over me as I was petrified of anyone seeing how heavy I had been. No argument could persuade me for quite some time until I realized that by burying those old pictures, I was ignoring old wounds instead of healing them. My body hate cycle would never be broken until I truly learned the meaning of self-acceptance and love.
All I could see in those pictures was the weight prominently displayed in all my features, but eventually, I came to see the photos as they were: a beautiful, intelligent, and kind young woman supporting her brother on his graduation day or being grateful for Christmas gifts. I struggled through many of the same issues that other beautiful, intelligent, and kind women face everyday. I was battling my weight, health problems, and a crisis of confidence, and if showing those pictures and discussing my own journey and realizations could help others, then it was worth sharing.
I learned so much about myself and the person I want to be from my weight gain. I learned to be thankful for my body and for my health and not to sweat the couple of pounds you gain from time to time. I learned the importance of nutrition and exercise young enough to prevent future health problems. I learned to be compassionate toward all people as you never know what kind of deep wounds a hurtful remark can inflict. Most importantly, I learned that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and that you can’t find true happiness and confidence from comparing yourself to others.
Each day is a gift, and I encourage everyone to wake up, look in that mirror, and realize just how beautiful and wonderful you are!
Erica
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