Hello Everyone,
(Warning: This post doesn’t have anything to do with lingerie and is more a personal post explaining my consistency issues with the blog. Feel free to skip . . . or not, if you’re into this kind of thing. Also, I didn’t feel like adding pictures to lessen the TL;DR quality either. I know, bad blogger.)
Long-time followers of the blog know that I faced multiple struggles in the last half of 2014 ranging from hormonal weight gain and issues with PCOS to a serious illness that sent me to the hospital. Suffice it to say, handling all of the responsibilities of store ownership, home ownership, blog writing, and general life maintenance became more overwhelming than I ever anticipated. Recovery from this particular illness can be as quick as a couple months or as long as an entire year—a recovery time during which you are supposed to rest. In my defense, I did rest(ish) for a week or two before phasing back into my work routine. One of the unfortunate facts about owning or managing a small business is that downtime hurts. Ignoring potential lost revenue, business owners can find themselves without anyone to pick up the slack when they are sick. If the illness/injury persists longer than a day or so, you can find yourself falling further and further behind until there is so much in need of doing that you don’t even know where to start anymore.
Soon, a poisonous apathy born out of anxiety and exasperation took root in my mind, leaving me struggling to stay focused or to muster up enthusiasm for my work. Every time I thought I was recovering, a new setback befell me, due in large part because every week we help sick customers. In fact, I am posting this blog today from the cozy confines of my couch because the store has been closed for the last six days on account of a nasty cold turned bronchitis and middle-ear infection. Fortunately, even with this lengthy closure, I have still not relapsed as badly as the initial illness, but a day here, two there, add up over time. During this latest bout of sickness, I realized that since September, I have taken as many sick days as I had for the whole of the store’s history. It’s a sobering thought that left me reflecting on how quickly and easily something you take for granted can change.
Compounding my health issues, the store also faced a myriad of challenges ranging from suppliers dropping orders or entering the wrong information into our accounts to repeated unsuccessful attempts to have our meter audited by the power company, and so on. Before long, I found myself questioning the entire purpose of the store, and on more than one occasion, I told my business partner/dad that I was done. Everything felt like it was going wrong, just one long series of failures and mishaps cascading into each other until something that I thought was my dream turned into a waking nightmare.
I retreated. I postponed projects. I covered the bare minimum necessary to keep the store active, but I could not bring myself to tackle my “To Do” list with the same verve and gusto of the pre-sick me. In short, I was depressed. I tried to be happy. I tried to be optimistic. I tried to put on “the good face” and smile, to take stock of all the blessing in my life, but it did not change how I felt. I didn’t even feel like myself anymore.
However, with 2015 on the horizon, I was determined to improve my state of mind. I Netflix-binged on Ted Talks, read some Zen books my brother recommended, and basically decided to “will” myself out of this funk. Some days were more successful than others, but I was still struggling.
Then, about three weeks ago, I was so depressed I refused to budge from my bed until well after lunchtime. I plugged in my computer, put on Fried Green Tomatoes (which I had not seen and I now acknowledge in retrospect was probably the worst thing to watch), and basically cried all morning. I felt sorry for myself, and I was never raised to feel sorry for myself. Even after I managed to drag my butt out of bed, I still didn’t want to do any of the things I had planned for the day. There was just too much to be done.
It hit me then that I was feeding this apathy, feeding this depression, but not addressing the cause or even attempting a solution. I was more or less hoping to wake up one day and feel like I used to feel without any effort whatsoever on my part. When I spoke with my dad about these issues, he explained to me that I am a worker bee (parents may forever rely on animal analogies once they have kids). “You’re not happy if you’re not doing something, and you’ve always been that way. So start doing something.” He was right. I don’t have to work non-stop from dawn until dusk, but I naturally feel better on days I accomplish a few things, even if they’re little. It centers me and allows me to refocus my perspective on a positive experience.
And that’s what I am doing now. I am working on little projects and not worrying if I still have more to do. I’m not getting upset at what’s left on the “To Do” list and am instead giving myself the proverbial pat on the back for what I did do. Whenever the shop throws another obstacle in my way, I think of all the people we have helped and how truly wonderful our customers are, and my attitude shifts, making it easier to find the right solution. I am also reading and writing more to manage stress. When I first became ill, I thought my mental state became stronger because I now appreciated my health and body more. The long-term results were not so optimistic. Long-term, my poor health began to gnaw at me, and I realized the only way to feel better was to start taking back control of my life.
And that’s why I am writing today’s very lengthy post. I wanted to let you know why I haven’t been as consistent here, why I am having issues writing newsletters, and why a lot of the features or promises I made have not yet come to fruition.
To this effect, another aggravating side effect of catching all the viruses I have fallen victim to in the last couple of months is the havoc wreaked on my workout schedule (although I did greatly improve my diet—hooray for small victories!). My issues with PCOS are still unresolved, and I am currently in the process of working with my doctor to find a better solution. Of course, in the meantime, I gained more weight and have not been able to lose it. My usual 30HH size is now more of a 32HH, and if I am sick, I can’t tolerate anything less than 34. This is another reason why I have not been keen on new product reviews. I’m still working through some body image demons.
However, I also have a pretty substantial backlog of bra reviews which have not been posted yet. When everything fell to the wayside, so did the reviews. Notable exceptions include reviews performed on free products as I did not want to make the manufacturers think I was taking advantage of their generosity. For all the products I bought myself? Meh. I also was not sure how exactly to post them knowing I am at a heavier weight now . . . and also have a different hair color. After much thought, I decided I will post everything with notations about when they were written/photographed. My weight/hair color changes do not impact how the bras fit at the time, so the information is still valid.
I was also pleasantly surprised this year when both Sweets of Sweet Nothings NYC and Cora from the Lingerie Addict linked to my blog as one they enjoy reading. In fact, Cora named our little section of the web one of the 7 blogs to read in 2015. That was a truly amazing and totally unexpected honor for me as I respect Cora and her work immensely.
Consequently, with renewed vigor and purpose, I will be working to blog more consistently this year, and I already have fantastic ideas for new posts in addition to some top notch product reviews from pre-illness and now. (Newest ones have black hair.). We’re also working on inventory changes for the shop, an alternative version of the calculator, and a collaboration discussion with Anna Pardal and Comexim on the alterations process. Basically, there’s a lot of things to get excited about this year!
Reading back through this post, I know it seems like a bit of a downer, but I do not intend it to be. I wanted to be honest with you about why I have been struggling here as well as why certain changes/posts have not been written. And if you made it to the end of this completely irrelevant emotional exploration by an overworked business owner, I do want to say I believe things can get better, even if it feels nothing is going right. We all struggle sometimes with depression or anxiety, and I think it’s important to never lose faith that tomorrow can be better than today. “Breathe and believe,” as my mom liked to say, which are words I know I need to take more to heart.
Erica
Leave a Reply