Today we are continuing my friend John’s heartfelt gynecomastia experiences from last week with the concluding portion of his story. I think the incomparable Viola Davis sums up this half the best:

I just feel like our whole journey in our life is becoming our ideal selves. You know, we get stripped away as we go along the journey . . . At the end of the day, you come into this world, you are absolutely who you are, and then your parents come along and they try to imprint themselves on you. Your friends, society. This is the school you have to go to. This is how pretty you have to look. This is what you have to wear. And I think somewhere along the line is a voice within you that tells you exactly who you are. You just have to know you’re born into a world where you don’t fit in and then answer the call to Adventure . . . You slay dragons. You do all of that, and then at some point you come face to face with not a God but with yourself. And somewhere along the line you get it, your “aha” moment, your Elixir, and you go back to your ordinary world, and you share it with others. And I think that’s the journey.

Viola Davis – Hot Ones

Part 2

I hope you enjoyed my first post, and now I’m ready to tell the story of my path toward acceptance. Early in my journey, however, there came a point when I couldn’t hide my chest anymore. I felt uncomfortable and exposed being unsupported and purchased binders and “gynecomastia vests” to flatten my chest. At my size, flattening the tissue created other problems like overheating, breathing restrictions from the pressure, and constant pain from compression. For all the discomfort created by these vests and binders, I still had two visible mounds on my chest albeit less projected.

The Choice to Buy a Bra

After years of suffering the gravitational effects from my breasts being unsupported, I overcame the fear to try a bra and found, to my amazement, there was a real physical comfort in being supported and contained. I am not alone. More and more gynecomastic men quietly and discreetly discover the advantages of wearing a bra for their developed chests every day, whether it is a sports, wireless, or underwire bra.

Furthermore, a small but growing number of gynecomastic men talk about the condition and the need for bras in private, usually in small groups. Most inquire about causes or remedies, always anonymously. Rarely, if ever, do they speak about their concerns in public, as I am doing now. It’s still a taboo subject within the male world.

On my journey, I realized that if I treated and embraced my breasts for the body part that they are, adipose and glandular tissue, and accepted my chest may be rounder or even more projected, I would be more comfortable. Binders and vests were not accomplishing this nor was the lack of any support.

Choosing a bra made my life better, physically and mentally. I came to appreciate what a bra does for my bust, but truthfully, this conclusion was not easy or quick. My preconceived and reinforced perceptions of maleness needed to be dismantled by years of discomfort to realize the advantages bras provided. Simply put, it gave me physical relief. It also gave me unexpected visual confidence.

I do not fixate about my chest anymore, constantly annoyed by the sensations of movement or pained by chafing as I enjoy my routine. There is a shield of protection between my chest and the world even though it is only cloth and wire. The bra is just there, quietly doing its job. I also appreciate that I can control the look of my chest depending on the type and style bra. I treat my chest as many women do theirs for comfort and appearance. That’s not to say there aren’t days when I come home and can’t wait to be released from the bra’s grip!

My Body Exists

My boobs and I have been through a lot together; both good and bad. There are many shirts and tops I can’t wear because they don’t fit or look right. Clothes can be and are a headache at times. I no longer actively downplay my chest, even if the result is noticeable. If my chest shows, it shows. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. A masculine, flat chest is something I cannot achieve, and that is okay.

I prefer a balance between fitted and oversized clothing along with the right bra. Both extremes of form fitting and oversized draw attention if haphazardly done, and the number of people who even acknowledge my chest since I have gained confidence in my appearance is small. If I own my body proudly and dress my chest how I feel best, people never even notice.

The first time I wore a well fitted and supportive bra in public, I was sure everyone would see and know. No one even looked or cared. This monster in the dark of self-doubt nursing my lack of confidence was only my shadow. People are largely too busy with their own lives to notice or care. I wished I learned this lesson sooner.

If anyone does notice, it’s always women, who either ignore it or offer a reassuring nod or smile of understanding. I appreciate the validation this small gesture provides more than they can ever know. You may be wondering if anyone ever complimented my chest. I am embarrassed to admit it, but yes on more than one occasion. As with reassurances, the compliments come from women. Relief overtook me because I did not have to defend my body against a hateful comment. I prefer compliments to derogatory comments, no matter the subject.

The number of people in my personal life who know of my condition is low because I do not advertise or discuss it. For me, I don’t think it’s anyone’s damn business but mine. It is only a select few and just happens to be all women friends and luckily, they have been accepting of a guy with a developed chest. But as one friend told me early on, “A bra doesn’t change you; it just makes you more comfortable. It’s just cloth and wire and spandex. It has no magical powers of change.” She was right. I am the same person I was before I started wearing support for my chest. The bra only made life more comfortable and less stressful.

Acceptance of Gynecomastia & The Future

How have I progressed in accepting my chest since my last post a few years ago? Honestly, I tried to make it uneventful. Some say I “resigned” myself to the fact I have a bust, as though it is some terrible thing. I haven’t resigned anything; in fact, I would argue the opposite. I have come to accept and celebrate that, for whatever reason, I have unexpectedly developed a feminine, physical trait. I can either not deal with it and be uncomfortable physically as well as mentally or deal with it in a way that enhances my life and comfort.

Narrow-minded people may think differently, and my situation forced me to be brought into the current political atmosphere dealing with gender. I have no interest in discussing it. My boobs are no one’s business but mine as any other body part would be. Some have said I am non-binary because I have both physical gender traits, but the truth is I am simply human. I self-identify as male, and that should be enough. Speculating about my gender or ascribing assumptions to it is not acceptable.

I do not let my chest affect my life anymore, especially after allowing it to dictate for so long what I could and couldn’t do in life for fear of what others might think or say. It is better to be comfortable, even if that comfort comes with a feminine appearing chest, than to experience the discomfort of being unsupported, bound, or hiding what cannot be hidden. I learned to adapt and succeed and not allow failure. Over time I have come to enjoy what nature has given me and be thankful it’s nothing worse than “just boobs.”

Women inspire me by how they deal with their chests, and I modify those solutions for me since there is no chapter in the Male Owner’s Manual on how to deal with breast or bras. There are times though when my chest looks, at the very least, “effeminate,” but on occasion it’s better for my appearance to have a well-supported and shaped bust than not. Like everyone else, I want to look my best and that includes my chest.

I have discovered many hacks to not look out of place, something I call hiding in plain sight. This has given me the confidence to experiment with what works and doesn’t draw unnecessary attention. This is true for both physical comfort and appearance. As stated before, many men’s tops can be problematic due to no room for a bust, especially button downs and some polos. Exercising and water sports have always been a challenge for me due to my chest, and I didn’t participate for many years, leading to weight gain and an even more noticeable bust.

After I accepted my chest, I found a unisex solution for swimming that supports and is modest without looking overtly feminine. I have found supportive sports bras that work when I exercise. Encapsulation works best for me, but I have to be careful of the top worn for modesty as well as possible projection and shape depending on the bra. While some yoga/tank tops with built in bras work well in support, coverage, comfort and convenience, they can be too revealing in shape and appearance without layering or a cover-up. Usually, I select a regular colored or graphic unisex oversized tee to tone down the feminine appearance.

These days, bras have become a part of my daily life for the support, comfort, and appearance of my chest, and I dress accordingly to match. Some emotional scars remain though. I have not been bare-chested in public since I was a teenager and prefer modesty and coverage to avoid lingering shame and embarrassment.

I also think as an unintended consequence of the recent gender diversity and recognition, a small window of acceptance for gynecomastic men has emerged which was not available only a few years ago. Education is essential. Online I met people who never heard of gynecomastia and are surprised it exists, wrongly thinking “only women have breasts and wear bras.”

A few women are curious to know if my experiences are similar to theirs and are surprised to find many times they are. There are those grossed out by the thought of a guy with boobs or will not believe a man could naturally have breasts large enough to need or want support. There seems to be all kinds, good and bad.

Treat Gynecomastia with Respect

For gynecomastic men willing to have a meaningful and respectful conversation about our condition, treat us and our chests appropriately. Don’t gawk. Don’t make rude or obscene comments. And most importantly, do not touch without permission. You would think adults would understand personal space and boundaries, but I have met too many who think a quick tweak, a grope, a hateful comment, and/or an obscene joke was fine or, worse, funny because I have gynecomastia, because I am different. It’s not. It’s embarrassing and can hurt physically and emotionally. Quite frankly, it pisses me off.

I do not put up with it now. I know that feeling of humiliation and shame about the size of my chest being the center of a joke or body shaming for a laugh. I am thankful there are people like Erica. I treasure our friendship because I am not the guy with boobs. I am just . . . me. Nothing else. I happen to have boobs instead of a beauty mark.

I am not the only person in the world who is endowed with breasts. Fifty percent of homo sapiens develop them. I am one in 3.75 billion humans on this planet with developed breasts and not all of us are women. What makes me so special? Truth is: nothing. That’s the way it should be. It is true for any other person with gynecomastia. If I happen to be a little busty, so what? All we want is to be accepted, boobs and all, and to live our lives in peace without being “the spectacle” or “talk of the group.”

Fear is a debilitating emotion. It robs you of your life and your joy. I don’t let it anymore. Has it been easy? Certainly not when you are the different one. Is it getting easier? I have learned the tricks of the trade, so to speak, and I like to think so. It shouldn’t have been needed or this challenging to accept what was naturally given to me at birth. I am not trying to be anything other than myself. I wish I had been smarter about things years ago. I would have enjoyed life more.

And to extend the topic, we don’t know what the partners/families of these men feel. That’s a different discussion in itself that should be had as well. They too are affected, positively and/or negatively, publicly and privately. There is a certain shame and embarrassment they feel for themselves and their men. How do you deal with “Dad has boobs and wears a bra?”

Do I sound angry? I hope not. I simply am frustrated with it all. You sometimes get to the point of enough is enough. I guess that’s where I am now in my journey. Evangelism.

What’s my message? What’s my point? I am not trying to make a political statement nor push an agenda here. I want to educate people on a topic no one talks about but many experience on a daily basis, one which can be devastating mentally. I am just a guy trying to live my life one day at a time like everyone else. I am not asking for anything special. I want to be treated fairly and not ridiculed because I have a natural physical trait that doesn’t match a certain gender/sex. Allow my breasts to exist on my body in peace. And maybe throw in the perfect bra if it exists.

My philosophy is simply: “Yes world, I am a guy with boobs. Get over it.”